Almost three months in and I’m not sure if this is borderline postpartum depression, mommy blues, hormones, or the effects of being a new mom that has suddenly come crashing down. As I sit here and write I feel the swelling of my tear ducts from fighting off emotion and trying to find reasoning in it all. Please excuse me as I become brutally honest about my totally new life…
I didn’t expect it to be easy. I didn’t expect it to be this hard either. The closest thing I can relate to being a new mom is when I had my spinal surgery at 12 years old. You’re scared 95% of the time, no one understands what you’re going through (because each journey is unique), and despite the joy in being a new person again you can’t help but feel completely helpless at the same time.
There are so many things to think about now! I’m so tired but I can’t sleep because I’m planning out how my next day will go. When I finally fall asleep a sweet little cry wakes me up telling me it’s time to change and feed. Try as I might, I cannot fall asleep again, but I don’t have the energy to get out of bed and wash the mound of dishes that are waiting for me downstairs. When I finally fall asleep that sweet cry wakes me up again telling me it is time for another change, feeding, and time for the day to begin.
I don’t shower in the morning anymore because my husband has gotten himself ready while I fed and clothed the baby (if I’m lucky to get that far) and left for work. I walk downstairs, park my butt in a chair and open my laptop for my work at home position. 8, 9, 10, 11 hours a day I look at that same old laptop solving issues and calming people down. Sometimes baby stays home with me and I watch as he learns to play on his own. My chain to my laptop only allows room for diaper changes and feedings. On really bad days my mom takes Jack so I can get work done without interruption. But… my pumping schedule still interrupts calls so my milk production goes down leaving me bewildered yet again.
By 2 pm I finally realize I haven’t eaten for the day and grab a quick lunch – usually unhealthy unless I try really hard – which results in feeling guilty for the rest of the day due to my ‘bad’ meal. Eventually, I shut my laptop and immediately start dinner, wash the dishes, try to fold the mound of clothing on the couch. But, baby wants to be held after entertaining himself all day and I only get work done in sprints. Hubby comes home, coo’s and plays with the baby, eats dinner and then mommy duty comes back on… Bath, clothe, feed, put to bed. My final and most important decision of the day… to clean up from dinner or not to clean up from dinner (I’d really prefer to sit and read a book). Ultimately, I find only the strength to brush my teeth and head to bed.
Commence the nightly mental breakdown… I do so much yet feel so useless. I look around my house and wonder what the hell happened today? Did I do anything?! I cry when my husband (who only has good intentions) tells me he’s so tired and has to go to bed. Because I wonder, “how can he be more tired than I am?” I cry because I just want time to put on make-up and feel pretty again.
My precious, amazing son is 3 months old and sleeps nearly 8 hours a night but I still feel so tired. Am I a bad mom? Do all moms feel this overwhelmed all the time? Do all moms look like crap 24/7 with dried puke on their shoulder and baby buggies in their hair? At the end of every day, I wonder if my hubby can still love a smelly, frizzy, new mom, who doesn’t love her new body yet and can’t get her emotions in check…
I pray and know God hears my cries. I know I’ll look back and wish I hadn’t taken things so harshly. For now, I’m stuck in my head and can’t escape. Do any other moms feel this way?
My New Mommy Prayer
I don’t know what I’m doing.
I know I’m not a perfect mother,
Help me to be the best mother I can be to my son.
I know I’m not a perfect wife,
Help me to be the best wife I can be to my husband.
Give me the graces I need to follow Your will,
And the heart I need to share Your love with the ones I love.